The homeless solution!
Well, once again my city is making new plans to crack down on homeless people and panhandlers. This time they are planning to employ a special team of "deputies" whose sole function will be to patrol downtown and arrest drunks (which, in theory, bodes poorly for me). This is in response to increasing concern from visitors to downtown about being harassed for money and cigarettes. Technically, this patrol only handles drunks, not panhandlers, but seeing as how most panhandlers are drunks anyway*, the two problems dovetail nicely!
As a public service, I am going to provide some solutions to the homeless problem, as alternatives to the drunk patrol.
1)Zoos- Now, calm down, it may seem grotesque, but think about it. We round up drunks and panhandlers and put them in glass cages. Visitors can, for a small fee, view these fascinating human specimens in safety. Laugh at the drunks cavorting for your amusement, and pitch coins at the panhandlers without fear of reprisal! The homeless get a place to stay, funded by visitor fees, and folks are kept safe from their advances. Oh, and alsp learn about the emotionally crippling situation homeless people find themselves in. That, too.
Solid gold!
2)Forced labor camps- Okay, relax, it may sound harsh and yes, maybe even "fascist," but before we start bandying around the "f" word, consider: homeless people are physically capable of working, they obviously just lack the willpower. Well our… "Friendship camps" will provide them with the "encouragement" and "motivation" they require to complete a full days work. Ho-ho, you’re welcome, homeless people!
3)Summary execution- Okay, now hold it! Hold it! Hear me out. Hear. Me. Out. Yes, granted, I am suggesting we arm the downtown patrol with heavy caliber pistols and provide them the authority to murder human beings without a trial. And yes, we will require some sort of crew to clean up the homeless people’s corpses, which may result in a slight tax increase. But think about it! Our homeless problem will be made to disappear within a few years. Hell, months! After a while, word will get out that our city has a "no-nonsense" (lethal) attitude towards public drunkenness and panhandling, and those hobos will stop-a coming. Within a few years, our city will be homeless- free! Then our downtown patrol can turn to rooting out other "undesirable" characters…
4)Re-education- Okay, I’ll admit this is probably a few years off. But once "behavior modification" (no, not brainwashing) becomes more advanced, the homeless can be trained to fill positions now held by recent immigrants.
5) Dealing with it-Or maybe, you can allow the fact that you are going home to a nice warm bed, and the person who is momentarily inconveniencing you will be sleeping on a fucking grate provide some consolation. Hmmmm?
*and that's a quote from the fucking newspaper
As a public service, I am going to provide some solutions to the homeless problem, as alternatives to the drunk patrol.
1)Zoos- Now, calm down, it may seem grotesque, but think about it. We round up drunks and panhandlers and put them in glass cages. Visitors can, for a small fee, view these fascinating human specimens in safety. Laugh at the drunks cavorting for your amusement, and pitch coins at the panhandlers without fear of reprisal! The homeless get a place to stay, funded by visitor fees, and folks are kept safe from their advances. Oh, and alsp learn about the emotionally crippling situation homeless people find themselves in. That, too.
Solid gold!
2)Forced labor camps- Okay, relax, it may sound harsh and yes, maybe even "fascist," but before we start bandying around the "f" word, consider: homeless people are physically capable of working, they obviously just lack the willpower. Well our… "Friendship camps" will provide them with the "encouragement" and "motivation" they require to complete a full days work. Ho-ho, you’re welcome, homeless people!
3)Summary execution- Okay, now hold it! Hold it! Hear me out. Hear. Me. Out. Yes, granted, I am suggesting we arm the downtown patrol with heavy caliber pistols and provide them the authority to murder human beings without a trial. And yes, we will require some sort of crew to clean up the homeless people’s corpses, which may result in a slight tax increase. But think about it! Our homeless problem will be made to disappear within a few years. Hell, months! After a while, word will get out that our city has a "no-nonsense" (lethal) attitude towards public drunkenness and panhandling, and those hobos will stop-a coming. Within a few years, our city will be homeless- free! Then our downtown patrol can turn to rooting out other "undesirable" characters…
4)Re-education- Okay, I’ll admit this is probably a few years off. But once "behavior modification" (no, not brainwashing) becomes more advanced, the homeless can be trained to fill positions now held by recent immigrants.
5) Dealing with it-Or maybe, you can allow the fact that you are going home to a nice warm bed, and the person who is momentarily inconveniencing you will be sleeping on a fucking grate provide some consolation. Hmmmm?
*and that's a quote from the fucking newspaper
posted by Dash Bradley at 8:06 PM
2 Comments:
3 is the most efficient
well, I guess that's the only vote. so 3 it is!
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