Hooray for Me
"Look at him. Look at him, now. And now. Look at him all the time."
- Jorgen Leth, The Perfect Human
Still sober. Starting to regret it.
Why the fuck did I quit drinking? Why did I have to acknowledge my problem? Yes, I was miserable. Yes, I was in a downwards spiral. Yes, I had (have) a disease. Yes. Yes. Yes.
But at least I was drunk.
Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Where the fuck do I fit? I've been drunk for seven years. For seven years my role has been to be drunk and make wisecracks and eventually fall down a lot. Ha-ha. Life of the party. Now what? Who or what am I supposed to fucking be? I don't have a clue. I can't be the drunk, anymore. That's out. If I start drinking now, everyone I care about would lose a lot of respect for me. That would be no good. I can't be a barfly, anymore, either. I love bars but it's too fucking hard being around all that and not joining in. I don't even know how to socialize sober. I just get so goddamned depressed when I'm hanging out with my friends I can barely lift my fucking head. How the hell am I supposed to do this?
The only thing I can think of is to become a recluse. Shut myself up, draw the shades and write. Just focus everything I have on the fucking writing, and hope everything else sorts itself out. That's the best I got right now.
- Jorgen Leth, The Perfect Human
Still sober. Starting to regret it.
Why the fuck did I quit drinking? Why did I have to acknowledge my problem? Yes, I was miserable. Yes, I was in a downwards spiral. Yes, I had (have) a disease. Yes. Yes. Yes.
But at least I was drunk.
Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Where the fuck do I fit? I've been drunk for seven years. For seven years my role has been to be drunk and make wisecracks and eventually fall down a lot. Ha-ha. Life of the party. Now what? Who or what am I supposed to fucking be? I don't have a clue. I can't be the drunk, anymore. That's out. If I start drinking now, everyone I care about would lose a lot of respect for me. That would be no good. I can't be a barfly, anymore, either. I love bars but it's too fucking hard being around all that and not joining in. I don't even know how to socialize sober. I just get so goddamned depressed when I'm hanging out with my friends I can barely lift my fucking head. How the hell am I supposed to do this?
The only thing I can think of is to become a recluse. Shut myself up, draw the shades and write. Just focus everything I have on the fucking writing, and hope everything else sorts itself out. That's the best I got right now.
posted by Dash Bradley at 4:46 PM
4 Comments:
you have never been the drunk man. you have always been yourself. you just got a bit "weighed down" from the drink. as the smoke clears you'll look in the mirror, and realize...
The fact is your just noticing this now. It was always there, it's just that drinks/drugs are a nice fuzzy barrier from all that shit. Ignorance is bliss.
You are who you are man, you always have been. Nobody has any new or additional expectations of you and ultimately your identity is up to you.
Although it's nice not having to worry about you making it home alright, which you have always seem to (in some cases defying belief), whether or not you drink isn't, and never has been a major concern among us. We always trusted you to know your limits and take care of yourself. Something you've more than proved just by acknowledging the problem. Besides, which one of us was going to set up the intervention? Wouldn't that be the pot calling the kettle black =)
We certainly wouldn't lose any respect for you if you were to go back to the bottle. If anything (whether or not you want to admit it, or like it =)) we gained respect for you for quitting. Should you decide to drink again you would only revert back to the level of respect we had for you before =).
Maybe you should just write for a while. Somebody I know has to make it big, and right now you’re the only one with his shit together enough to do it. Write a screen play, goddamit! Then you can drink.
P.S. Perhaps you should just stick to the wisecracking and avoid the falling down =).
I know this is none of my business, but I am addicted to nurturing. And I hate to see someone with such a remarkable blend of cleverness and sensitivity suffer.
There are two components to what you're going through. The mental part is causing you a great deal of pain right now. Maybe you should deal with the brain chemistry part for a while.
There's been quite a bit of study done on the effects of addiction on brain chemistry. For seven years, you've been making direct hits to those pleasure centers of the brain and you can't just take that away without consequences. You probably should see a doctor.
If you were a diabetic and couldn't eat whatever you wanted, you'd get medical help, wouldn't you? Utilize that free Canadian health care system!
These are all good points. Ah shit, just ignore me. I'm kind of melodramatic these days.
Thanks, all.
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