Herb and Flois: the first date

(Flois is seated at a table in a restaurant. Herb enters, and sits)
Herb: Hi! You must be Flois.
Flois: Uh, yes. Herb?
H: Yeah. Hey you sound different than you did on the phone.
F: And you look different than your photo.
H: It’s an old photo. So, tell me...
F: You had hair in the photo.
H: Yeah, old photo. So…
F: And both eyes.
H: Oh, ha! Yeah, the patch. That is fairly recent.
F: And I think you were taller.
H: It’s been a rough year. So have you been waiting long?
F: Actually, kind of, yes. I… what is that smell?
H: Hmm? Oh, ha, yes, that’s me. I got in a fight with a dog on my way here. It got a little messy. You know how it is.
F: No, I really don’t.
H: Hmm.
(awkward silence)
F: So what do you do for a living? Your ad said a stockbroker, but that can’t…
H: No, that was a slight fabrication on my part. I actually gut fish down on the docks.
F: You gut fish? That’s actually a job?
H: More like my living hell. All day, hacking and yanking and screaming and hacking. Tearing and pulling. The smell, the blood, the handfuls of guts. It’s a nightmare.
F: Well, why don’t you quit.
H:(pause) I don’t have an answer for that.
F: O-kay. Um...
(Oh, the silence)
H: So what do you do?
F: Me? Oh, I’m a social worker.
H: Oh, social work. Okay. So, I guess you work with prostitutes?
F: Uh, sometimes, yes.
H: Well that’s one thing we have in common. Ha!
F: Heh, uh….
(waiter mercifully interrupts)
H: So, Lois…
F: Flois.
H: I’m sorry?
F: Flois. With an ‘f’.
H: Well that’s a hell of a weird name, isn’t it?
F: I… guess. My parents were kind of eccentric. They wanted me to be different.
H: Christ, my parents were the opposite. "Herb, what the hell’s wrong with you!" "Herb, straighten up you bastard!" God, I hate them so much!
F: Are you... are you okay?
H: Shut up, I’m not crying!
(endless minutes pass)
H: (wiping his eyes) So, Flois, what kind of things do you look for in a guy?
F: Uhhhh, you know, the usual, I guess. Good looking, smart, funny… I guess I’m easy to please!
H: "Good looking." Shit. Well, I’m smart. I once engaged a man in a battle of wits. And I won!
F: What?
H: It’s a long story. I am funny though. Everyone at work tells me so. Very funny. But what do those swine know? God, I hate them. So hey, two out of three.
(after an eternity, the food arrives. It is consumed in silence)
F: Excuse me for a minute.
H: Where are you going?
F: Just the ladies room.
H: You’re not going to climb out the window, are you?
F: …no.
H: Are you sure? Because I’d rather you just told me, now, rather than me waiting fifteen minutes and battering down the door.
F: I really am just going to the bathroom. In fact, you know what Herb? I am going to the bathroom and I am going to take a crap. I have been sitting here and all I can think about is just taking a huge dump. You know the feeling, Herb?
(Herb nods slowly)
F: Good, Herb. Because that’s the kind of girl I am, Herb. I take huge dumps and then I want to talk about it. So think about that while I’m gone, Herb.
(Flois leaves. Herb sits for several minutes, which stretch, predictably, on)
H: (quietly) I think I’m in love.