The usual suspects
Exciting times, here at work, as there appears to be a crimewave in progress.
Item! A few weeks ago a co-worker forgot her backpack in the staff lounge overnight. When she retrieved it the next day, a large amount of money within had been stolen! Item! Money collected for the Daffodil Days charity (?) was apparently stolen! Item! Last night a co-worker told me that she left her wallet in her coat, in the closet, and it, too, was stolen!
I find this all very surprising; I mean, yes, these people were obviously a bit negligent in leaving their valuables lying around, but I mean, this is an office. It’s not as if we’re all minimum-wage-earning teenagers or anything. The employees at my job are very well-paid, and most are in their mid to late twenties, if not older. And among the younger folk, the majority are students. That’s not exactly a prime demographic for stealing wallets from coatrooms, in my experience. So, who?
Suspect 1: Junkies. Yes, junkies. One of my hapless co-workers is hooked on smack, and his paycheck does not cover his habit. Fact! Junkies often require large amounts of money to purchase their "junk." Suspect!
Suspect 2: Cheaters. Yes, one, or more, of my co-workers are having an affair and requires quick cash to a) hop a plane to Mexico, or b) procure an abortion. I’ll admit the second bit is unlikely, as I’m pretty sure abortions are covered by health insurance (I live in Canada). Maybe the person in need of the procedure is an illegal immigrant, and thus, not covered by healthcare (is that true? Are illegal immigrants covered? I have no idea). Hence, our thief has to steal to pay the drunken, disgraced back-alley doctor to perform the procedure. Fact! Drunken back-alley doctors don’t take credit cards!
Suspect 3: Kleptomaniacs. This is kind of a convenient excuse, as I understand people who actually suffer from kleptomania steal random items, regardless of their value, whereas our thief seems to only "compulsively" steal large sums of cash. Whatever, try your luck with the jury, klepto Joe.
Suspect 4: Good Samaritans with brain injuries. Some addle-brained well- intentioned soul saw that money had been left carelessly about, took it for safekeeping and then promptly forgot about it. Presumably, when they found a wad of cash in their pockets, they assumed they had won it in a game of chance. Admittedly, this scenario is a little more troubling in the case of the wallet, as even with a brain injury it would be hard to rationalise someone else’s wallet in your pocket. Try that one with the judge, Memento-boy.
Suspect 5: Aliens. Yes, what we call "reality" is actually an elaborate alien experiment! These "thefts" are actually attempts by the alien to analyse our reactions to… missing cash. Okay, maybe not.
Suspect 6: Me! Under stress, my mind has snapped, creating a malicious second personality that is trying to destroy me by implicating me in these thefts! Good Christ, what am I going to do?
Suspect 7: Asshole co-worker. Self-explanatory.
Item! A few weeks ago a co-worker forgot her backpack in the staff lounge overnight. When she retrieved it the next day, a large amount of money within had been stolen! Item! Money collected for the Daffodil Days charity (?) was apparently stolen! Item! Last night a co-worker told me that she left her wallet in her coat, in the closet, and it, too, was stolen!
I find this all very surprising; I mean, yes, these people were obviously a bit negligent in leaving their valuables lying around, but I mean, this is an office. It’s not as if we’re all minimum-wage-earning teenagers or anything. The employees at my job are very well-paid, and most are in their mid to late twenties, if not older. And among the younger folk, the majority are students. That’s not exactly a prime demographic for stealing wallets from coatrooms, in my experience. So, who?
Suspect 1: Junkies. Yes, junkies. One of my hapless co-workers is hooked on smack, and his paycheck does not cover his habit. Fact! Junkies often require large amounts of money to purchase their "junk." Suspect!
Suspect 2: Cheaters. Yes, one, or more, of my co-workers are having an affair and requires quick cash to a) hop a plane to Mexico, or b) procure an abortion. I’ll admit the second bit is unlikely, as I’m pretty sure abortions are covered by health insurance (I live in Canada). Maybe the person in need of the procedure is an illegal immigrant, and thus, not covered by healthcare (is that true? Are illegal immigrants covered? I have no idea). Hence, our thief has to steal to pay the drunken, disgraced back-alley doctor to perform the procedure. Fact! Drunken back-alley doctors don’t take credit cards!
Suspect 3: Kleptomaniacs. This is kind of a convenient excuse, as I understand people who actually suffer from kleptomania steal random items, regardless of their value, whereas our thief seems to only "compulsively" steal large sums of cash. Whatever, try your luck with the jury, klepto Joe.
Suspect 4: Good Samaritans with brain injuries. Some addle-brained well- intentioned soul saw that money had been left carelessly about, took it for safekeeping and then promptly forgot about it. Presumably, when they found a wad of cash in their pockets, they assumed they had won it in a game of chance. Admittedly, this scenario is a little more troubling in the case of the wallet, as even with a brain injury it would be hard to rationalise someone else’s wallet in your pocket. Try that one with the judge, Memento-boy.
Suspect 5: Aliens. Yes, what we call "reality" is actually an elaborate alien experiment! These "thefts" are actually attempts by the alien to analyse our reactions to… missing cash. Okay, maybe not.
Suspect 6: Me! Under stress, my mind has snapped, creating a malicious second personality that is trying to destroy me by implicating me in these thefts! Good Christ, what am I going to do?
Suspect 7: Asshole co-worker. Self-explanatory.
posted by Dash Bradley at 1:43 PM
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