No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die...
You know, I’m a huge fan of James Bond movies, primarily because of their freshness. As each movie comes out, they are always so new, so unique. "Wow, a sports car with gadgets. Never seen that before!" "Double intendres! Gosh!" "Another fucking super-villain with a goofy plan to take over the world. Wow!"
But as much fun as James Bond is, he's not really a realistic portrayal of intelligence agents, at least as I understand it. So here are a few of my as-yet unsold treatments for James Bond films with a gritty, hard-edged realism.
Tomorrow is Never Enough
This one is a real departure. Basically, at the beginning of the film, James captures a terrorist in an exciting blockbuster stunt… thing. Then he spends the next 90 minutes torturing the terrorist with genital electrodes, while calmly sipping martinis. At the end of the film, when the terrorist finally cracks, James shoots him with a silenced pistol. Then he drives a fancy car and fucks a model.
Never is Too Soon
In this one, James needs a family as cover. So he seduces a woman with three kids, and pretends to just be a regular guy. Its like James Bond meets True Lies meets… I don’t know, Mrs. Doubtfire. Then, the family finds out he is actually a secret agent, so he kills them all with a silenced pistol. Then he drives a motorcycle and fucks a model.
What Time is it There?
In this one, for some reason, James has to set fire to an orphanage and then shoot the orphans as they run out. Then he takes a helicopter and fucks a model. Then he goes back and shoots some more orphans. I admit this one is still a bit sketchy.
Forever is Coming Too Fast
In this one, James actually marries a woman in all sincerity. He settles down to domestic life, but then old enemies emerge to threaten his peaceful existence. He kills his wife with a silenced pistol, so she won’t prove a liability, then he kills his enemies in protracted, grisly ways. Then he fucks a model. A male model! Woah! Then he fucks a, y’know, lady model so people don’t get weirded out.
Eh? Eh? Pretty good, no? Yes, my finger is firmly on the pulse of… you know, society and stuff.
But as much fun as James Bond is, he's not really a realistic portrayal of intelligence agents, at least as I understand it. So here are a few of my as-yet unsold treatments for James Bond films with a gritty, hard-edged realism.
Tomorrow is Never Enough
This one is a real departure. Basically, at the beginning of the film, James captures a terrorist in an exciting blockbuster stunt… thing. Then he spends the next 90 minutes torturing the terrorist with genital electrodes, while calmly sipping martinis. At the end of the film, when the terrorist finally cracks, James shoots him with a silenced pistol. Then he drives a fancy car and fucks a model.
Never is Too Soon
In this one, James needs a family as cover. So he seduces a woman with three kids, and pretends to just be a regular guy. Its like James Bond meets True Lies meets… I don’t know, Mrs. Doubtfire. Then, the family finds out he is actually a secret agent, so he kills them all with a silenced pistol. Then he drives a motorcycle and fucks a model.
What Time is it There?
In this one, for some reason, James has to set fire to an orphanage and then shoot the orphans as they run out. Then he takes a helicopter and fucks a model. Then he goes back and shoots some more orphans. I admit this one is still a bit sketchy.
Forever is Coming Too Fast
In this one, James actually marries a woman in all sincerity. He settles down to domestic life, but then old enemies emerge to threaten his peaceful existence. He kills his wife with a silenced pistol, so she won’t prove a liability, then he kills his enemies in protracted, grisly ways. Then he fucks a model. A male model! Woah! Then he fucks a, y’know, lady model so people don’t get weirded out.
Eh? Eh? Pretty good, no? Yes, my finger is firmly on the pulse of… you know, society and stuff.
posted by Dash Bradley at 7:51 PM
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