Baby Bird
So, last night my friend calls me and invites me to get a drink. It turns out his car was stolen, which is kind of surprising as it was an older, crappy car. It's possible it might have been towed but we could see no discernible reason for it.
So we had some drinks, and later on some other friends joined us, at my neighborhood pub. At one point my friend, let's call her S, produced a loaf of bread from her purse and offered it around. I declined, and she asked why.
"I don't eat solids," I said, which is mostly true.
"Oh, so you only eat food that's been chewed up first?" she joked.
"Yeah, that's right," I said.
"So if I chew this up, you'll eat it?"
"Yup."
"Okay, let's do it."
At some point our little joke turned into a dare. I am not one to back down from a dare, so moments later she was chewing a largish hunk of bread. I think we both thought that the other would back down, but I guess we were both stubborn. So I cocked my head back, opened my mouth and she slobbed some bread into my mouth. I chewed and swallowed it as fast as I could, and then got another drink. We both felt kind of awkward about it, and the rest of the table ( consisting of my best friend and some dude I just met) were astonished. I got a drink, and started making jokes to diffuse the situation. Then, the bartender/bar owner came over and whispered into my ear that I had been short-changing him all night. It turns out that drinks were 3.75, and I had been giving him 3.25. I thought I had been tipping well, but it turns out I was stiffing him! I was horrified, and immediately took out some cash, got another drink and tipped him generously. I can tell you I was far more shocked about the drink prices than the bread. So anyway, yeah, I can say that I've been baby-birded by a chick. Wooh. Par-dee.
So we had some drinks, and later on some other friends joined us, at my neighborhood pub. At one point my friend, let's call her S, produced a loaf of bread from her purse and offered it around. I declined, and she asked why.
"I don't eat solids," I said, which is mostly true.
"Oh, so you only eat food that's been chewed up first?" she joked.
"Yeah, that's right," I said.
"So if I chew this up, you'll eat it?"
"Yup."
"Okay, let's do it."
At some point our little joke turned into a dare. I am not one to back down from a dare, so moments later she was chewing a largish hunk of bread. I think we both thought that the other would back down, but I guess we were both stubborn. So I cocked my head back, opened my mouth and she slobbed some bread into my mouth. I chewed and swallowed it as fast as I could, and then got another drink. We both felt kind of awkward about it, and the rest of the table ( consisting of my best friend and some dude I just met) were astonished. I got a drink, and started making jokes to diffuse the situation. Then, the bartender/bar owner came over and whispered into my ear that I had been short-changing him all night. It turns out that drinks were 3.75, and I had been giving him 3.25. I thought I had been tipping well, but it turns out I was stiffing him! I was horrified, and immediately took out some cash, got another drink and tipped him generously. I can tell you I was far more shocked about the drink prices than the bread. So anyway, yeah, I can say that I've been baby-birded by a chick. Wooh. Par-dee.
posted by Dash Bradley at 12:59 PM
4 Comments:
I hate to encourage you to engage in self-destructive addictive behaviors (as I somewhat think of you as MY baby bird, minus the pre-chewed food) but you do seem to have more interesting adventures when you drink.
I'm afraid I'll have to tell your mother you're not eating right, though.
If by "have interesting adventures" you mean "make fucked up decisions," then yes, yes I do.
You did inquire as to any communicable diseases before doing the baby bird, right?
Seriously, that is pretty funny. My adventures are always more interesting with cocktails - I likes it like that!
I did that once with ice cream: a boy spat some in the air and I caught it in my mouth. I still feel dirty.
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