Issues of the Day
So, I 've been on a bit of a self improvement kick, lately. I've kicked, or rather, I'm in the process of kicking the bottle. To that end, I've considered going to an AA meeting. I emailed my local chapter and they were kind enough to send me a schedule for meetings in my city. My goodness! There are a lot of meetings going on, every day! I had no idea... So, I'm considering going, but I have reservations. On the one hand, this quiz on the AA website was a big eye-opener for me, and helped me recognize my drinking...enthusiasm. In fact, let's go through the quiz together.
Here were my answers:
1) Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Yes, until recently my record was a day, before I'd freak out and buy beer.
2) Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?
Yes, I have a friend who was always telling me about this guy he knew who drank himself to death. It irritated the shit out of me.
3) Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
Yes, I started drinking wine. Read this. And this. Didn't work.
4) Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
Yes, but I tend to wake up about noon. Does that count?
5) Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
God, yes, the fucking bastards.
6) Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
Yes. See blog archives for more details.
7) Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
At the time I did this quiz I answered no for this one. I always believed that my drinking never damaged my personal relationships, but since quitting I've learned that that's not the case... So this is a yes.
8) Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
"Wait! After this case of beer, and that case of beer, there's only three cases of beer left!"
9) Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
Yes. That's all, just 'yes.'
10) Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
No, surprisingly. I always dragged my sorry carcass in to the office. Oh, wait, except once, when I was really hung over. Does that count?
11) Do you have "blackouts"?
Christ, yes. It became a day-after ritual to call my friends and ask them if I embarrassed myself or offended anyone the night before. Also, I woke up on the floor, a lot. I think I spent more time sleeping on the floor last year than in my bed.
12) Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
Obviously yes, because here I am.
"Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol."
So, there's that in their favor. But then there's articles like this: "Drunk Like Me", which makes a pretty convincing case against AA. Should I or shouldn't I? I guess there's no harm in going, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with the whole "relinquishing control of my life to God" thing. I mean, I'm trying to gain control of my life. Why would I just relinquish it?
The other question on the plate is pills. Pills, pills, pills. Pills that fuck with one's already fucked up wiring.
I'm talking about anti-depressants. It's come up in the comments a few times recently, and they've been on my mind for years. I probably need them, but Lord God in heaven above do I hate the thought of them. I mean, I just got away from one kind of self-medication, why should I jump into another? I know people who've tried these things with mixed results, and who've come back with reports of withdrawals when they tried to quit. I've got enough of that shit, already. Also, doctors don't even know how the pills work! Depression is still largely a mystery, but hey! Let's just throw these pills at the problem! They seem to shut the patients up! I don't even like pills, in general. Man, I don't even take tylenol! No way am I going to start taking pills that screw with the way my mind works.
But shit, I could probably use some help. Goddammit. Goddammit, goddammit, goddammit. People never believe me when I say this, but sometimes I wish I was more normal, more average. I see people living their lives, flitting in and out of relatiosnhips, enjoying life. It seems so easy for them. God, how I envy that. What I wouldn't give...
But hey! Fuck it. I am who I am. A titan. A God! A seven-foot tall, tattooed Russian strongman! I am a train, an engine, a locomotive traveling with undeniable momentum into an uncertain future! I am a grain of sand, a snail, a toad, a tiger, a griffon. I am impossible to deny, unforgivable to ignore. I am a giant, I am insignificant. I exist. I never was. In the morning I will sing, in the afternoon, I will weep, and at night I will wither and fade and my petals will drop. In the morning I will sing!
Who needs pills?
Here were my answers:
1) Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Yes, until recently my record was a day, before I'd freak out and buy beer.
2) Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?
Yes, I have a friend who was always telling me about this guy he knew who drank himself to death. It irritated the shit out of me.
3) Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
Yes, I started drinking wine. Read this. And this. Didn't work.
4) Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
Yes, but I tend to wake up about noon. Does that count?
5) Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
God, yes, the fucking bastards.
6) Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
Yes. See blog archives for more details.
7) Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
At the time I did this quiz I answered no for this one. I always believed that my drinking never damaged my personal relationships, but since quitting I've learned that that's not the case... So this is a yes.
8) Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
"Wait! After this case of beer, and that case of beer, there's only three cases of beer left!"
9) Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
Yes. That's all, just 'yes.'
10) Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
No, surprisingly. I always dragged my sorry carcass in to the office. Oh, wait, except once, when I was really hung over. Does that count?
11) Do you have "blackouts"?
Christ, yes. It became a day-after ritual to call my friends and ask them if I embarrassed myself or offended anyone the night before. Also, I woke up on the floor, a lot. I think I spent more time sleeping on the floor last year than in my bed.
12) Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
Obviously yes, because here I am.
"Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol."
So, there's that in their favor. But then there's articles like this: "Drunk Like Me", which makes a pretty convincing case against AA. Should I or shouldn't I? I guess there's no harm in going, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with the whole "relinquishing control of my life to God" thing. I mean, I'm trying to gain control of my life. Why would I just relinquish it?
The other question on the plate is pills. Pills, pills, pills. Pills that fuck with one's already fucked up wiring.
I'm talking about anti-depressants. It's come up in the comments a few times recently, and they've been on my mind for years. I probably need them, but Lord God in heaven above do I hate the thought of them. I mean, I just got away from one kind of self-medication, why should I jump into another? I know people who've tried these things with mixed results, and who've come back with reports of withdrawals when they tried to quit. I've got enough of that shit, already. Also, doctors don't even know how the pills work! Depression is still largely a mystery, but hey! Let's just throw these pills at the problem! They seem to shut the patients up! I don't even like pills, in general. Man, I don't even take tylenol! No way am I going to start taking pills that screw with the way my mind works.
But shit, I could probably use some help. Goddammit. Goddammit, goddammit, goddammit. People never believe me when I say this, but sometimes I wish I was more normal, more average. I see people living their lives, flitting in and out of relatiosnhips, enjoying life. It seems so easy for them. God, how I envy that. What I wouldn't give...
But hey! Fuck it. I am who I am. A titan. A God! A seven-foot tall, tattooed Russian strongman! I am a train, an engine, a locomotive traveling with undeniable momentum into an uncertain future! I am a grain of sand, a snail, a toad, a tiger, a griffon. I am impossible to deny, unforgivable to ignore. I am a giant, I am insignificant. I exist. I never was. In the morning I will sing, in the afternoon, I will weep, and at night I will wither and fade and my petals will drop. In the morning I will sing!
Who needs pills?
posted by Dash Bradley at 5:51 PM
5 Comments:
There are other ways to produce positive brain functioning besides the pills -- exercise, for one. I had certain similarities to you, when I was your age, as a matter of fact. I got married very, very young to an abusive (and, it turned out, closeted gay) man.
I used to drink, socially, but an awful lot. That's what it took to pretend to be happy. I was sooo very depressed, until I started working out to escape my horrific home life. It cleared my head almost magically. Plus, when I left the asshole, I was a smoking hottie.
I did require some additional counseling, but my situation was obviously much different. I never needed drugs for depression. Well, until I had my daughters, but the whole postpartum thing is different. I didn't go through withdrawl, either, but I took a really low dosage.
Are you really 7 feet tall? And Russian?
Actually, that was a white lie. I am actually ten feet tall, and Prussian.
See, now working out, there's an idea I can get behind. Releasing endorphins, and whatnot, naturally. Maybe that's the route I should take...
As for my case, I predict they'd have to dose me pretty good, which makes me nervous.
And hey, sorry about the shitty home situation. Glad you got out of there.
Having taken these wretched pills myself (although for anxiety, not depression) I can recommend against them.
All those paxil ads make the process seem so fun and easy.
Awwwww, there's a sad little neuron, he's not getting enough serotonin. But Wait!!! Here comes paxil to the rescue !! Now he's a happy neuron! getting all the serotonin he needs.
If I wanted more serotonin I'd pop a couple of caps of E for fuck sakes!!what difference would it make?
Not only that, but with this shit there are side effects and withdrawal symptoms, and although nothing like say, heroin, it's still relatively unpleasant.
Well, for instance, some of the side effect, in addition to nausea, diarrhea and constipation are decreased appetite, sleepiness, dizziness, yawning, sweating and abnormal vision.
Apparently there are also sexual side effects, which thank the lord above, I didn't experience. Sounds good, eh?
Not to mention the horrible headaches, mood swings, dizziness, sensory disturbances (including electric shock sensations), abnormal dreams, agitation, anxiety, nausea and sweating you get when you trying to wean yourself off them.
And this is a relativley light anti-depressant.
But I tell you man, working out does make you feel better. Along with the increased self-esteem and the ability to walk up stairs without breaking a sweat or catching your breath, you gain a general sense of well-being, and yes, all naturally.
And you can lift heavy things!! Even heavier things than you did before!! Imagine yourself after working out for a while. There's nothing you, as a buff ten foot Prussian, couldn't do!!!
Or you can do what I do and stick to smoking a half ounce of weed every week. God, I love this country.
I'm sorry about the shit you went through to, ubermilf. Sometimes I wish I can apologize for the all the bad things we as men have done, but I know what I'd be getting myself into. Men suck.
Oh, pish posh PCK. Men don't suck any more than the scores of shallow, materialistic, nasty women out there. Besides, I wound up marrying the greatest guy later. Happy ending!
i'm a little late with the comment, but hey. i'm a relative newcomer to this blogosphere thing. just wanted to throw in my two cents as well..i spent a good eight years medicated, and my god, it was ridiculous. not that i intend to bitch about it, they did what they needed to at the time. as i've gotten older (and wiser? questionable..) i have moved to the more natural route of exercise and trying to live a cleaner life in general. but i've been where you find yourself, and i empathize, i truly do.
i understand fully what you mean when you say you wish you were more normal. i am intimate with that feeling. it's corny as hell, but i'd likely hug you if i could. it's a sick strange world as it is, and harder still ..argh. i don't know where i'm going with this. i know, i dig it, i'm hip to this particular game. best wishes, dash.
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