"I wouldn't wipe my ass with that shit!"

Hey, guess what? I was actually kind of cool last night! Normally I don’t go for this kind of blatant self-promotion, but I thought I would include it as stark contrast to the rest of this site.
So I was walking some girls home from me neighborhood pub, after we stopped at a drug store so they could get some things (when it was suggested that she buy the generic brand of toilet paper, Girl H said the title of this post. Actually, she screamed it). As we were walking, Girl H was bitching to Girl P and myself about some guy that was being a dick to her. Apparently he hadn’t called her in a few weeks, and then he did and he was a dick, yadda yadda. So she was ranting and raving and hitting trees with her bag of toilet paper (incidentally, I can’t stand when girls complaining that "guys are assholes." No, guys aren’t assholes; the problem is that you only date assholes. Stop dating assholes, and watch your opinion improve.)

Girl H: I hate boys! (looks at me) Sorry, no offense, I’m just mad at boys right now.
Me: Well that’s okay, I’m a man.
Both girls: I like that!

Wooh! Did you hear that? I was actually a little bit of da bomb* at that moment. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again. It may not sound impressive, but believe me it’s as cool as I get.
In other news, according to the Winnipeg Writer’s Collective, I am not da bomb, at all. I submitted a story to their annual fiction contest and I didn’t win! I know! I didn’t even get an honorable fucking mention! Cocksuckers!**
I should mention at this point, that although I am a neurotic, insecure mess about 95% of my life; when it comes to writing I am the alpha-uber-male-dog. I cannot be denied. Thus, I am forced to conclude that a) they did not receive my submission through the mail (fuck you, Canada Post), or b) the judges are morons. Either way, I plan to attend the award presentation gala next week, where the winning writers will read their pieces. I will sit there, listen to their crappy stories and bitterly judge them as inferior. It should be a fun night! Oh yes, and Winnipeg Writer’s Collective? You are now my nemesis. I will get my revenge, oh yes. I haven’t decided if I will do it Freddy Krueger style and infiltrate their children’s dreams, or if I will go Count of Monte Cristo style, spend the next ten years becoming a rich count, and then kill them all in a series of rapier duels. Suggestions?
Oh, and Fox Broadcasting has kindly informed me that Arrested Development will be returning for another year. This is certainly glad news, but I am puzzled as to why I was emailed personally. How do they know who I am? Do I have some affiliation with Fox that I was not aware of? Odd.
Oh yeah, and remember how I mentioned that my friend's car was apparently stolen? He found out that the city needed to clean the street the car was parked on, so they moved it several blocks away! And made no effort to inform him! So I guess the city can just move people's cars around as the mood strikes them. The real question is why they don't do that all the time, at random. Oh, if I ruled the world...

*Literally; the bomb. Well, not an actual bomb, of course. Don’t be stupid.
**I mean this in an entirely non-homophobic way.