Didn't Suck

So I saw a movie over the weekend that I thought was the shit (not shit, mind you, the shit). It was called The Girl Next Door, which you may recall is the recent film about the high school kid who falls for a former pornstar. I was never expecting much based on the trailers, and the high-concept, but spurred on by a unusually complimentary onion review, I checked it out. To my great surprise, I loved it.
I know! But the film exists in the grand tradition of the nerdy-guy-who-grows-a-backbone-and-gets-the-girl. Ah yes, films like The Cooler, Once Upon a Time in the Midlands, In July, Mad Dog and Glory; these all hold a rich, warm place in me heart. Could it be related to the fact that I, yes, I am a nerdy guy who possesses a nerdily optimistic view of love? No.
But I found the movie really sweet; I loved the kids and thought they were very sincere. The porn-producer antagonist was great because he was so sympathetic; he really liked the kid.
Now, as usual I tried to share my enthusiasm with those bastards I call my friends, and met with derision and apathy!
"Ah, that movie’s just T&A." "Whatever, it was just okay." "I just saw it for the chick."
What the fuck! How could I be the only person who saw this film as romantic? Even the generally reliable Mr. Ebert came out with a surprisingly nasty review. I think people couldn’t get past the fact that the chick is a pornstar, and hence just not romance material. I don’t know. (That being said, isn’t it weird that whenever there is a "bad boy" in movies he’s always an ex-con or a drug dealer or something, but "bad girls" are always pornstars or prostitutes? So I guess the worst thing women can do is get involved in the adult industry. That’s kind of odd…) Anyway, what the hell’s wrong with you people? I blame the schools, really…
You know, the more I thought about the movie, the more it occurred how classical it was. It was almost like a historical drama, think about it: when we meet the hero he is terrified of damaging his reputation, yet risks it all for love. The heroine fears her tarnished past prevents her from finding a normal life, but loyal love proves her wrong. This is the making of a pretty good samurai movie… except it would probably climax with a big swordfight instead of the prom.

Blogroll!

Well, my darlings, I must be off for the long weekend. In my absence, I leave links to some of my brothers and sisters in bloghood:

Here's a reporter blogging from Iraq. Duck!
Here is the blog, apparently, of a hamster.
I like this kid's style.
I have no clue what this is about, but it is alcohol-related.
Lawn mowers. Lawn mowers. Lawn mowers. Lawn.
Eggs. Lots of eggs!
Creepy portrait, comrade.
My goodness.
The jerk registry. Apparently, there are only two.
Read the comments. These kids are too fucking cute!

That's it. Have a good one, folks.

How it is

So obviously this Red Lake shooting is a terrible tragedy; a lot of people died needlessly (assuming there is such a thing as a needful death), including the shooter, himself.
So now what happens is that everyone is going to clamor to find the reason; why did this happen? How can it be prevented? My response to this is: it can’t. My friend Chuck asks: "is this the kind of shit my future kids will have to look forward to?" Yes, it is. Kids are not safe at school, nor will they ever be. You know what? They’re not safe anywhere. Your home is not safe. You are not safe. There is no such thing as safety. It is a concept used to sell security systems and insurance policies, but it does not actually exist. The guy sitting next to you could be the next office shooter. The kid who serves you at Macdonalds could be planning the next Columbine. There are insane, dangerous people out there. That’s it. That’s reality.
Now we go on that familiar merry-go-round of placing blame; it was the school, the family, the media, rap music, video games, movies, the internet. No. Wrong. That kid was just crazy. We can ban anything and everything you want and people will still be crazy. (Although I might suggest that restricting access to guns might help reduce the body counts of these rampages.) In the next months, scores of angst-ridden depressed teenage boys will be suspended or expelled from school because they exhibit the "warning signs." In reality, these are just depressed teenaged boys.
I don’t know; maybe this caution helps. Maybe some kid will get the help he needs; maybe another shooting will actually be prevented. I doubt that it will ever stop entirely.
Christ, this is a bleak post, but that’s how I feel about it. I have no better solutions to offer, only profound sadness.
Hey, how about this: instead of focussing on the few people who shoot up their schools/offices/whatever, think of all the billions of people who don’t. Let’s hear it for them.

He said what?

I don't know about you but these kind of sites always tickle the shit out of me: Overheard in New York. Priceless.

More link plagiarism

I am just a horrible person. Courtesy of Barret Chase, here is an animated rabbit that you can play with. You're welcome.

Indie Filmmaker Loses Mind

I've been reading about this British science fiction action movie that was made for 20,000 pounds. It's kind of impressive; apparently it has special effects and stunts and a film score with an actual orchestra (which is good because I fucking hate synthesizer soundtracks). It's called Soul Searcher, and it's about a boy who becomes the new Grim Reaper, which for some reason involves fighting demons. Here's the actual movie site, which has a great diary from the director. It covers like three years of pre-production, production and post-production. He seems like a resourceful, optimistic guy, but he kind of loses it after a few years:

"So, a brief summary. Over the last week, two sessions of back-breaking labour building embankments and then dismantling them again, many hours loading things in and out of hire vans, £250 worth of damage to one such van, and hour upon hour of working in the pouring rain, wind, mud and miscellaneous unpleasantness... and for what? Two shots. TWO FUCKING SHOTS. THIS FILM IS TAKING THE PISS. I HATE IT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT."

Here's a link to the Guardian article that brought the film to my attention. After reading the diary, I really want to see it.

This is a Low

So last night, in the middle of a pub-crawl with a friend I was refused service by a bartender. Refused fucking service because I almost knocked over a bar stool. Can you fucking believe that? What really bakes my potato is that I was in that pub earlier in the day for lunch, and I tipped the same bartender four-fifty on a fifteen dollar cheque. And this is how the motherfucker treats me! That fucking bastard; I have never been refused service in my fucking life. Fuck him and fuck that bar. Fuck this city and everyone in it.
No.
Fuck you, Dash Bradley. That guy was right, you did it again. You screwed yourself over, you dumb fuck!
On the brighter side, I saw a fucking great movie today. It was a German romantic comedy/road movie called "In July." It starred the dude who played Lola's boyfriend in "Run Lola Run" as a teacher who meets a Turkish woman and takes off for Turkey in pursuit of her. Along for the ride is this hippy chick who hasn a crush on him. Needless to say, complications ensue and the pair meet a bunch of nutty characters on the way. What was so wonderful about the movie is how everyone they meet is so eccentric and decent. It was so refreshing to see a movie about nice people being nice to each other. No one is shot, nothing horrible happens; there is one dead body, but there's even a nice story about that. You should see it, it left me feeling completely happy. What a lovely movie.
Unfortunately real life is not quite so lovely. As I was heading to work through the skywalk today, I saw a woman on the street collapse at the exact moment I looked out the window, which was creepy. She was just walking and then crumpled into the arms of the man she was walking with. I considered going to help, but I didn't really have access to the street; I'm not even sure what help I could have provided, anyway. So I just stood there like a dope and watched. What pissed me off was that a lot of people just walked by; they just walked right by this twitching woman! Fortunately a couple of dudes stopped and helped, and they carried her inside. I hope she's okay. Fuck, I should have gone down there; another pair of hands can always help. Damn it, this is the kind of shit that sticks with you.
Oh, this is odd; a couple of days ago a chick on a bar told me that I looked like a seventies rock star, and today a guy on the bus told me I looked like John Lennon. Apparently I've got it.
Going on, that is.

The homeless solution!

Well, once again my city is making new plans to crack down on homeless people and panhandlers. This time they are planning to employ a special team of "deputies" whose sole function will be to patrol downtown and arrest drunks (which, in theory, bodes poorly for me). This is in response to increasing concern from visitors to downtown about being harassed for money and cigarettes. Technically, this patrol only handles drunks, not panhandlers, but seeing as how most panhandlers are drunks anyway*, the two problems dovetail nicely!
As a public service, I am going to provide some solutions to the homeless problem, as alternatives to the drunk patrol.

1)Zoos- Now, calm down, it may seem grotesque, but think about it. We round up drunks and panhandlers and put them in glass cages. Visitors can, for a small fee, view these fascinating human specimens in safety. Laugh at the drunks cavorting for your amusement, and pitch coins at the panhandlers without fear of reprisal! The homeless get a place to stay, funded by visitor fees, and folks are kept safe from their advances. Oh, and alsp learn about the emotionally crippling situation homeless people find themselves in. That, too.
Solid gold!

2)Forced labor camps- Okay, relax, it may sound harsh and yes, maybe even "fascist," but before we start bandying around the "f" word, consider: homeless people are physically capable of working, they obviously just lack the willpower. Well our… "Friendship camps" will provide them with the "encouragement" and "motivation" they require to complete a full days work. Ho-ho, you’re welcome, homeless people!

3)Summary execution- Okay, now hold it! Hold it! Hear me out. Hear. Me. Out. Yes, granted, I am suggesting we arm the downtown patrol with heavy caliber pistols and provide them the authority to murder human beings without a trial. And yes, we will require some sort of crew to clean up the homeless people’s corpses, which may result in a slight tax increase. But think about it! Our homeless problem will be made to disappear within a few years. Hell, months! After a while, word will get out that our city has a "no-nonsense" (lethal) attitude towards public drunkenness and panhandling, and those hobos will stop-a coming. Within a few years, our city will be homeless- free! Then our downtown patrol can turn to rooting out other "undesirable" characters…

4)Re-education- Okay, I’ll admit this is probably a few years off. But once "behavior modification" (no, not brainwashing) becomes more advanced, the homeless can be trained to fill positions now held by recent immigrants.

5) Dealing with it-Or maybe, you can allow the fact that you are going home to a nice warm bed, and the person who is momentarily inconveniencing you will be sleeping on a fucking grate provide some consolation. Hmmmm?





*and that's a quote from the fucking newspaper

Housing News!

If you ever wanted to live in a stack of microwaves, here's your chance!
Okay, those are actually kind of cool.


(courtesy of stella d'oro)

Although, it is bad for you...

Smoke, smoke and smoke. Pretty! Courtesy of the cartoonist.

From the man himself...

Some of Tom Waits' favorite albums, via the Guardian.

New Kid on the Block

Draw your attention to my links and you will see a new addition: Chuck. As a fellow late night wage-slave I'm sure he will be driven to post frequently and incoherently. Check him hizzout (I mean, out).

From the Guardian

"Man who ate friend's brain jailed for life"

"(Bryan) confessed he 'really enjoyed eating Mr Cherry's brain.' "

Dance! Dance! Dance!

Hmm, some troubling incidents last night. First we went down to the neighborhood pub (which is under new management, by the way, so they now actually stock alcohol! Before it was like the Cheese Shop sketch from Monty Python: "Scotch?" "No." "Whiskey?" "Maybe next time." "Gin?" "Oh, we just ran out."), to meet some friends for drinks. Now the dude we were meeting was a bit younger than us, and although a good guy, has a tendency to get a bit excited when he drinks. Now, also, he recently got a new girlfriend, which he is also very excited about. We met her for the first time last night, introductions all around; she seemed very nice. A little later, she was up at the bar and our boy leaned in for a word. He asked what we thought of her, and we said that we liked her. He asked if we thought she was good-looking, and we said that, yes, she was quite attractive. "Wait," he says. "Let me get her to take her jacket off so you guys can get a better look at her." He started to stagger to his feet and my friends, probably for the best, stopped him and advised him that, perhaps, she might not appreciate being made to strip for his friends (my friends stopped him. I actually just sat back and waited to see what would happen. I’m a prick, I know).
Anyway, later on we took the unusual step of actually leaving the pub to go somewhere else. I know! We went to a party being held at the house of a friend of a friend of an acquaintance of a friend. Actually it was these guys. The term "sausage fest"* could accurately be used here to describe the party, as there were about twenty men and about two girls (the female population doubled briefly when two girls came, accurately sized up the situation and left after about ten minutes). We showed up late, so everyone was already pretty drunk; at one point one especially drunken fellow got it in his head that he should start dancing. So he starts doing this ridiculous break dancing and a circle forms and everyone eggs him on while laughing and pointing. It might sound funny, but really it was just kind of malicious, and made me feel sort of creepy. Aren’t these people friends? Although I will, apparently, sit idly by while someone commits relationship suicide, I’d like to think I would not actually encourage them. Afterwards, everyone was trying to get him to dance again and making a big deal about it.
We left shortly after that, and went back to the warm bosom of our pub, just in time for last call. You could say that I’m a creature of habit, seeing as how I always hang out in the same bar and have had the same circle of friends since I was fifteen. But whenever I leave the bar and try to meet new people, look at the shit I have to put up with!

Note: We all later agreed that it would, in fact, have been very funny if we let out friend try to get his girlfriends jacket off.




*Other applicable terms: "cock convention," "testicle engagement," or "penis gathering."

The beginning of the end

In every science fiction movie containing robots, the robots inevitably rebel and try to destroy humanity. Oh sure, we dismiss it as ridiculous; why would we ever build intelligent robots with the capacity to kill us?
Look at this.
What the fuck are these people thinking? Oh sure, it's so cute to have a robot playing the trumpet, but it won't be that cute when it's signaling the robot revolt! And I wonder what "natural" expression will be on Actroid's face when she's throttling you with her lifelike hands! And those garbage robots will be of great use when the robots need to clear all the dead fucking bodies out of the streets! This is it, people, this is the end times and I'm the only one who sees it!
So if you happen to be at the World Expo in Japan this year, look for me; I'll be the naked guy* with the shotgun saving your child's fucking life!
Sic semper... robotus(?)!



*Think about it.

Cartoons!

If you haven't already, do yourself a favor and check out the cartoons link in my list. This guy, Nicholas Gurewitch, posts a new cartoon every sunday; check out his latest, "Refridgeron and Magnimous." Just too funny.
And he's younger than me! Fuck!

Fleep

Once again, I am stealing a link from Incoming Signals, but this comic strip is simply too brilliant not to share with everyone I know. It's strange, and kind of funny, and shocking and sort of moving, and it takes place entirely in a phone booth. It was created by a man named Jason Shiga, who deserves our gratitude and the gratitude of our ancestors.

Why was I not informed of this?

Did you know that Bill Cosby and Sidney Poitier did a number of comedies together in the 70's? And that Mr. Poitier directed them? It's true, motherfucker.
And you know what? They're pretty good, too. Oh sure, there's certainly some novelty value. It's just surreal seeing Bill Cosby playing a streetwise regular joe; in "Uptown Saturday Night" you see him drinking, gambling, starting barfights, in "A Piece of the Action" he plays a cat-burglar and in "Let's Do it Again" he fixes a boxing match so he can bet on it. My goodness, Dr. Huxtable. Also, "Let's Do it Again" features Jimmy "J.J." Walker playing a boxer (!), and "Uptown..." has a scene where (Academy Award Winner) Sidney Poitier is clinging to the roof of a speeding car containing gangsters (one of whom is dressed in drag), and he's smashing the windows of the car with a hammer; that's worth the price of admission, right there.
So, yeah, there is some novelty element, but Sidney Poitier has a real eye for directing comedy. The movie's aren't drop dead hilarious but there are a couple of big laughs. "A Piece of the Action," which has Poitier's con-man blackmailed into teaching a class of inner-city kids, is even kind of touching. The two stars have definite chemistry, plus, Curtis Mayfield did the soundtrack for two of the films. Surprisingly good stuff, all around.

Sing you pricks!

Bust this. The The Malleus Maleficarum, a well-regarded guidebook to witchcraft, used in the 15th century. Repent!
(link brazenly stolen from Incoming Signals, a most excellent site)

The usual suspects

Exciting times, here at work, as there appears to be a crimewave in progress.
Item! A few weeks ago a co-worker forgot her backpack in the staff lounge overnight. When she retrieved it the next day, a large amount of money within had been stolen! Item! Money collected for the Daffodil Days charity (?) was apparently stolen! Item! Last night a co-worker told me that she left her wallet in her coat, in the closet, and it, too, was stolen!
I find this all very surprising; I mean, yes, these people were obviously a bit negligent in leaving their valuables lying around, but I mean, this is an office. It’s not as if we’re all minimum-wage-earning teenagers or anything. The employees at my job are very well-paid, and most are in their mid to late twenties, if not older. And among the younger folk, the majority are students. That’s not exactly a prime demographic for stealing wallets from coatrooms, in my experience. So, who?
Suspect 1: Junkies. Yes, junkies. One of my hapless co-workers is hooked on smack, and his paycheck does not cover his habit. Fact! Junkies often require large amounts of money to purchase their "junk." Suspect!
Suspect 2: Cheaters. Yes, one, or more, of my co-workers are having an affair and requires quick cash to a) hop a plane to Mexico, or b) procure an abortion. I’ll admit the second bit is unlikely, as I’m pretty sure abortions are covered by health insurance (I live in Canada). Maybe the person in need of the procedure is an illegal immigrant, and thus, not covered by healthcare (is that true? Are illegal immigrants covered? I have no idea). Hence, our thief has to steal to pay the drunken, disgraced back-alley doctor to perform the procedure. Fact! Drunken back-alley doctors don’t take credit cards!
Suspect 3: Kleptomaniacs. This is kind of a convenient excuse, as I understand people who actually suffer from kleptomania steal random items, regardless of their value, whereas our thief seems to only "compulsively" steal large sums of cash. Whatever, try your luck with the jury, klepto Joe.
Suspect 4: Good Samaritans with brain injuries. Some addle-brained well- intentioned soul saw that money had been left carelessly about, took it for safekeeping and then promptly forgot about it. Presumably, when they found a wad of cash in their pockets, they assumed they had won it in a game of chance. Admittedly, this scenario is a little more troubling in the case of the wallet, as even with a brain injury it would be hard to rationalise someone else’s wallet in your pocket. Try that one with the judge, Memento-boy.
Suspect 5: Aliens. Yes, what we call "reality" is actually an elaborate alien experiment! These "thefts" are actually attempts by the alien to analyse our reactions to… missing cash. Okay, maybe not.
Suspect 6: Me! Under stress, my mind has snapped, creating a malicious second personality that is trying to destroy me by implicating me in these thefts! Good Christ, what am I going to do?
Suspect 7: Asshole co-worker. Self-explanatory.

This is fucking clever

Courtesy of Cinetrix. This article puts forth the theory that Fight Club is just an update of Calvin and Hobbes. It actually makes sense...

Pity me

Few nights ago, I was at the bar with friends. After the bar closed I went to a little get-together, where I took a good hit off a joint (why? I hate pot, I always smoke too much and I never enjoy it. Why?). I realized I was way too drunk, and now way too high; so I excused myself, gathered up my box of beer and was on my way. Made it most of the way, then I slipped on the ice, fell on my ass and cut my head. Oh! And I broke my box of beer, too. So there I am; too drunk, too high, clutching my beer cans, my head bleeding. As I stagger home, I wonder how much more pathetic can I become? Five hours later, I wake up on my bathroom floor.
Oh.

Link Saturday

Slow day today, so let's see what that crazy internet has to offer.

For some reason this list of potential sports team names makes me smile.
These are some of the strangest songs I have ever seen.
This list of censored Looney Tunes cartoons is evidence of an alarming amount of free time. Although I found this rather puzzling:

"FOX deleted this cartoon's final scene, of the mouse and the cat pouring gravy down the dog's throat. They say, 'This time, we didn't forget the gravy!'"

Why on earth was that cut? Does gravy have some sort of racist connotation I'm not aware of?
That being said, this cut was kind of justified:

"This whole scene is deleted: a frog is on a lilypad, and the narrator says, 'Here we have a close-up of a frog croaking.' Then, the frog shoots himself in the head with a gun."

He shot himself in the fucking head. That is kind of harsh for a kids cartoon.

This is cool. A dictionary of cockney rhyming slang. Very nice, but I don't think I'll be asking for a "gay and frisky," instead of whiskey, anytime soon. That would really go down well at the bar.

Yes, that is a very nice sheeps-head pez dispenser.

Okay, here is a directory of graphics.
Does anyone else find this one... odd?
And what is this guy's job? Creating fireballs with his mind?
And boy! Are these guys ever dynamic!
When the hell would you use this? "You're fired!"
Again: "You're fired!"
These are some threatening goddamned penguins.
This is kind of suggestive... ("How are you doing, boys and girls?")
The caption should read: "Aaaaahhhh! I'm on fire! Aaaahhhh!"
It's bad enough they're using a Native American as a sports mascot, but why is he doing kung fu?
This is the kind of clown who has to notify people when he moves into the neighborhood.
What in the hell is going on here?
"Go baaaack! Go baaaack!"
Is this really the best possible graphic to represent baseball?
Or football?
And why is this in the sports section? Or this?
"I'm going to cut off your fucking head, and put it in this fucking box!"
What exactly is he hunting for? That's kind of fucked up...
"Ahhh, that feels good!"
This is just confusing.

Hmm, that was surprisingly amusing. Moving on...

Did you think Alabama was just a state in the US? Surprise, bitch! It's also a Native American dialect!

"Termites are affected by music. They will eat your house twice as fast if you play loud music."

This site is fascinatingly dull.

A list of children's books. My favorites (100% real!):
"Are You My Mother?" - No
"I Hate Boots," - I hear ya, kid
"Penrod's Pants," - Hey, keep your distance there, Penrod.
"More Spaghetti, I Say!" - "No, more, godammit! More!"
"Penrod Again," - I'm fucking warning you, Penrod...
"I Stink!" - Jesus, take it easy there, champ.
"No Mail for Mitchell," - Pooooor Mitchell.
"Hey, Al," - Al: "What?"
"No Tooth, No Quarter!" - Kids bugging ya, there, chief?
"Ira Sleeps Over," - That sounds ominous...
"Lazy Lions, Lucky Lambs," - If they were unlucky, the lions would tear the lambs to shreds.
"Suddenly!" - ...you're a middle aged childrens book writer with a bad liver and broken marriage!
"Hey! Get Off Our Train," - An early lesson in civil rights.
"Nuts to You!" - rejected title: "Hey, fuck you!"
"You're A Grownup (Pretend)," - You're not really a grownup.
"It Goes EEEEEEEE!" - "It" should probably stop going "EEEEEE" if it knows what's good for it.
"How Yossi Beat the Evil Urge," - Yossi should fill me in on the secret.
"Summer of Shame," - You sick, sick fuck...
"You're a Star (Pretend)," - You're not really a star.
"Locked in the Library!" - "For Christ's sakes, somebody help us!"
"Old Woman Who Loved to Read," - Settle down, kids, you'll all get your turn to read it.
"You're a Community Helper (Pretend)," - You don't actually help the community.
"Parents in the Pigpen, Pigs in the Tub,"- My life is a living hell
"Meet the Boxcar Children." - Uhhhh... no thanks.

Well, that's probably enough for now.

Watch your back

Strange incident at the pub over the weekend. I wuz haffing some pints wif me mates (cockney), and my friend made the comment: "It's a sad scene," in regards to something we were talking about. So this girl who was standing nearby walks over to our table, leans over and puts her face about 3 inches from his and says: "Did you call me an assassin?" My friend recoils slightly and says: "No, but I am kind of afraid of you."
"Okay," she says, and walks backward slowly, smiling madly and eyeballing all of us.
I mean, even if we did, is it that much of an insult?